


Two Dense Idiots

by Miracle_Novelist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Dense Eridan Ampora, Dense Sollux Captor, Human Eridan Ampora, Human Sollux Captor - Freeform, Humor, M/M, Miscommunication, Prompt Fic, Roommates, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-05-01
Packaged: 2019-11-27 16:52:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18196838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miracle_Novelist/pseuds/Miracle_Novelist
Summary: Based off of a prompt I can't find but this is the gist: "Imagine your OTP as roommates. They annoy the hell out of each other IRL but online, they have fallen in love with the other. They decide to meet and upon seeing the other at the meeting place, they think back on all the times they complained about their stupid roommates."So here: Eridan and Sollux are roommates. They have fallen in love with each other online and don't know it's their roommate. This is how they "meet". (This will be more than one chapter.)





	1. Two Dense Idiots Pt. 1

 Sollux Captor woke slowly from his sleep. When he blinked his eyes open, he was confused. It wasn’t light out, and he hadn’t set an alarm the night before. So why was he awake?

The telltale sound of a pan being dropped into the sink echoed into Sollux’s room. Even through his closed door, he heard it loud and clear.

Look, Sollux didn’t have any problem with his roommate cooking breakfast...except when it was four in the morning and the fucker couldn’t _not_ bang and clatter _every dish_ against _every surface_ in the kitchen _as loud as he possibly could_.

Sollux shoved his head and his blonde-dyed hair under his pillow and tried to force himself back to sleep. Unfortunately, thanks to the asshole in the kitchen (who would probably leave all of the dishes for Sollux to clean up) he could not.

Instead of laying there, listening to the racket, the male reached for his phone in the dark. Once his eyes focused on the brightness, Sollux opened up his messages and opened his conversation with “Sea Boii”.

2toned: hey

2toned: you awake??

He rolled over, sure that Sea wouldn't be online. Sollux didn’t know exactly where he lived, but he knew the other resided in the town next door. Which meant that it was still the ass crack of dawn. Regardless, he was surprised to hear a faint ping from under his pillow. He gave the darkness a confused glance before rolling back over.

Sea Boii: yeah unfortunately

2toned: dude wtf??

2toned: its literally the ass crack of dawn

2toned: what are you doing up??

Sea Boii: i could ask you the same thing 2

Sea Boii: why are you up at such an ungodly hour?

2toned: i asked you first

Sea Boii: but wouldnt it feel so good to ask second?

Sea Boii: seeing as you always have to be second

2toned: id much rather answer second

2toned: so ehh

Sea Boii: jesus

Sea Boii: fine

Sea Boii: im up because of that stupid history project i mentioned yesterday

2toned: whats up with it??

Sea Boii: its just a long essay an i keep changing my mind about what to write about

2toned: write about the “it’s wednesday my dudes” dude

Sea Boii: 2

Sea Boii: this is a fucking history paper

Sea Boii: i need a historical figure

2toned: i mean

2toned: i consider that two be a historical figure

Sea Boii: its a fucking frog!

2toned: yeah??

2toned: and??

Sea Boii: if you could see me youd see how much i want to die right now

2toned: if i could see you youd be laughing your ass off

2toned: dont lie

Sea Boii: whatever its ur turn

Sea Boii: why are you up?

2toned: my roommates being an obnoxious motherfucker and making as much ruckus as he possibly can

Sea Boii: ew

2toned: who even wakes up at four in the morning??

Sea Boii: idk but i would fuckin die

2toned: same

Sea Boii: i think im gonna try to bullshit my way through this paper and then go to bed

2toned: way to leave me hangin

Sea Boii: excuse me but i have college to get through

Sea Boii: isnt this your weekend?

2toned: yea

Sea Boii: then?

Sea Boii: go back to sleep

Sea Boii: let me get some work done

Sea Boii: gawd 2 yer such a distraction

2toned: riiiight

2toned: like im the reason youre procrastinating

2toned: and not the totally uncalled for perfectionism youre trying two put into a fucking history paper of all things

Sea Boii: shh lets not talk about that

Sea Boii: ill talk to you later 2

2toned: yea yea

2toned: see ya sea

2toned: dont lose any more brain cells

The blonde found that the sides of his mouth were aching from the wide smile plastered on it. He waited for two more minutes before sliding his phone under his pillow. It seemed that Sea ignored his little comment.

The noises from the kitchen had stopped during the conversation and Sollux was left to drift back into his dreams to delightful silence.

 

* * *

 

 

Someone was shaking him. And Sollux knew exactly who would have the douche qualifications to disrupt someone’s sleep so vigorously.

Fucking Eridan Ampora, the most horrible roommate in the whole goddamn universe. Well, that’s not entirely true. There are a few other things worse than the purple-haired asshole shaking him awake. For instance, pedophiles and murderers, Nazis, furries, and worst of all: Karkat. Vantas is lucky he found such a laid-back roommate. If it was anyone else, the shorty would’ve been clocked in the face a long time ago. And that’s just a fact. Sollux knew it, and so did everyone else. He realized that Eridan was trying to tell him something.

“Jesus Captor, can’t you just do this _one_ thing for me?”

“What?”

The other’s eyes zeroed in on him, “If Kar comes around,” he talked slowly as if giving a task to a child, “can you tell him I’m at w-work?”

Sleepily, Sollux rolled to his back in a daze, “Jutht do it yourthelf.”

“Just,” Eridan’s jaw clenched angrily before he sighed, the tension leaving his body, “Please?”

“Pleathe? What ith thith? Heaven? Have I died? Am I dead?”

“I just need you to tell him I’m at w-work and then you can shut the door in his face.”

Sollux groaned when he looked at the time on his phone, “Fine, jutht get out of my room will ya?”

“Can do,” he finally stepped out and closed the door, obviously happy with the blonde’s answer.

 

* * *

 

The final time Sollux woke up was similar to the first one. A distant and consistent sound brought him out of the cocoon of sweet dreams. He was about to go out there and tell Eridan that he finally hit his last nerve with the dishes, but then Sollux realized that it wasn’t pots and pans.

He deduced that it was knocking and remembered what Eridan asked him to do earlier. He sat up from his mattress that rested on the floor, legs spread in front of him. The knobbiness of his knees always made him self conscious, so he pulled on some sweatpants as well as a shirt to hide his weirdly-shaped chest hair.

Sollux made his way out into the main room, spotting that Eridan’s door was closed. He tried the handle, but it was locked. The male scoffed and went to the door to stop Karkat from banging on it.

Another series of knocks erupted against the wood just as the Captor swung it open. The dark-haired boy shut up and dropped his hand from the knocking position it was in.

“Where is he?”

“Who?”

“Funny,” he twitched one of his eyes in annoyance. “Where’s Eridan?”

“He’th at work,” Sollux squinted at him. “Where elthe would he be? It’th Friday, thome people have work Kar.”

“So he’s not here?” He sounded genuinely confused.

The resident rubbed at his eye and took on a dull tone of voice, “No, can I go back to thleep now?”

“It’s the middle of the day.”

“Yeah? And?”

Karkat raised his eyebrows, “Well. I should get going then. Tell fuckface I was here. And tell him to stop avoiding me.”

“I’ll make it my life’th mithhion. Bye now,” Sollux slowly closed the door while sarcastically waving like a middle-aged woman would to a toddler. Once that was over, the lanky male made his way to the fridge to get his morning energy drink. Only...there were none in sight.

“ _Fuck_ ,” he closed the fridge with more velocity than he intended. It didn’t really matter: the shitstack was at work; he wouldn’t hear it. Sollux bit his lip and looked around. As he predicted, Eridan didn’t clean up his fucking mess.

Sollux wasn’t a germaphobe, and he didn’t have OCD either. He just liked everything to be in its place, like the computer parts in his room all organized in their respective bins. It was just easier to live that way, instead of tripping all over things like his housemate’s way-of-life. He’s sure if he opened Eridan’s door right then, he would find papers and staplers and books all over his floor.

So yes, Captor sighed and began cleaning up the kitchen. And yes, he did indeed slam around a few dishes in his frustration.

Around three in the afternoon, Sollux decided to get out of the apartment. It was his first day off and he didn’t want to be holed up in one place the entire time. He chose to go to the corner store to get a pick-me-up since he was feeling astoundingly tired.

The same thought about weaning himself off of Red Bulls came to mind, but the jury was overruled, as it was always overruled. When he arrived at his destination, he bought the blue-canned energy drink from the rudest cashier in the world and left the establishment after pushing on a door that said: “pull”.

Sollux made a mental note to email that particular gas station chain and complain about the blatant fire hazard that was having to pull the door open from the inside.

And as if the universe just wanted to fuck Sollux over even more, on his way back, the tired twenty-two-year-old almost got hit by a FedEx truck, choked on his own spit when it went down the wrong tube, and scraped his hand catching himself from suddenly falling due to tripping on the tip of his shoe.

All Sollux could think about in the elevator up was the extreme panic that would grip him if the metal box shuddered even a little. He focused on his plan, which was to sit down on the couch, pull up that fuzzy blanket he liked so much, crack open the cold and bitter beverage, and watch Animal Planet.

Slamming the door, Sollux kicked his shoes in two different directions. He didn’t care, it had been the shittiest day of his life so far. Excuse him if he let loose a little. He managed three steps into the apartment before he realized that the bundle of blankets on the couch wasn’t empty. Eridan was laying in Sollux’s spot with the television on low. He wasn’t even _watching_ it, he was sleeping. He had a room for that.

Done. Sollux was done. Done with his housemate. Done with Karkat. Done with the cashier. Done with the stupid fucking FedEx driver. Done.

Sollux entered his room, closing and locking the door. He plopped down in his trashy desk chair and took his purchase out of the plastic bag.

“At leatht, you will never fail me,” he held the cool condensating can between his hands. He took hold of the metal tab, ready to hear that satisfying hissing sound.

It was with a faint clang, however, that Sollux felt the metal break away from the rest of the can, and he looked down at the pitiful piece in his palm.

“ _Fuck_!”

 

* * *

 

Eridan Ampora never had roommates. He didn’t even have siblings. He lived a peaceful, quiet home life, full of sleepy afternoons and sitting in the sun sipping on tea. In other words, Sollux _Fucking_ Captor went against everything Eridan had ever been taught and it sure as hell rubbed him the wrong way.

Look, Eridan wasn’t a prude. Not in the slightest. He identified with the LGBTQ+ community for Christ's sake, he couldn’t have gotten more open-minded. If someone wanted to live their lives a certain way, he didn’t protest. Most of the time. But leaving dirty underwear on the floor of the bathroom was just unacceptable. Half of the shit Sollux did was unacceptable if Eridan was entirely honest.

Around three o’clock, the half-purple half-brunette heard the devil spawn slam the door behind him, effectively waking Eridan up for the umpteenth time that day. He didn’t really understand how Sollux could be so noisy with pots and pans. It was almost as if he was trying to spite Eridan and his beauty rest.

Eridan migrated to the couch after his roommate left. Hopefully, the blonde would be out until after dark so he could get a little sleep. Soon, with the help of a little white noise from the TV, Eridan was drifting off into dreamland, hopeful he would wake feeling refreshed.

Of course, whenever Eridan hoped for anything, it was never fulfilled. Instead of waking slowly, he was yanked back into consciousness by loud thumps and the notorious slam of the door. He heard a scoff and opened his eyes just in time to see a blonde head disappear into Sollux’s room. Eridan let his head fall back against the pillow, closing his eyes.

A few moments later, he heard Sollux curse loudly, which often warranted a few more hours of gaming, foul language, and of course Sollux’s obnoxious laugh.

Eridan’s phone vibrated from the floor and he snaked his arm out from underneath the blanket to reach for it.

2toned: hey you better be sleeping

Sea Boii: an what would be the point of textin me if I were?

2toned: yer right

2toned: that was counterproductive

2toned: i just wanted attention i admit it

Sea Boii: i was already up anyways

2toned: really??

Sea Boii: yea. my roommate woke me up a few times

Sea Boii: him and his goddamn dishes

2toned: i know the feeling

Sea Boii: fuckin roommates

Sea Boii: now hes playin games while im trying to sleep

Sea Boii: so inconsiderate

2toned: i wish i could play games right now

2toned: but my controller is broken

2toned: just another thing two add two the list

Sea Boii: what list?

2toned: the list of shitty things

2toned: my god Sea

2toned: ive had about the worst fuckin day i swear

Sea Boii: tell me about it i cant even get three consecutive hours of sleep without that bozo slamming things around

2toned: is he mad at you??

2toned: whats he like??

Sea Boii: hes the embodiment of malice

Sea Boii: hes just this angry fucking loser who leaves his dirty underwear literally everywhere and cant do anything without glaring or scoffing at me

2toned: reminds me of someone i know

Sea Boii: who?

2toned: my roommates friend who comes by and demands things

2toned: im sure the fuckers going two get punched in the face sometime

Sea Boii: maybe they’re related

2toned: wouldn’t be surprised

Sea Boii: so

2toned: so??

Sea Boii: what are you up to?

2toned: nothing

2toned: literally nothing

2toned: im texting you

2toned: thats what im doing

2toned: since the universe has cursed me with this awful day

Sea Boii: it cant be that bad can it?

2toned: no no

2toned: i think today has been the most unfortunate day of my life

2toned: i tried opening a can and the tab came off

2toned: so now i just have a can on my desk...unopenable

2toned: taunting me

Sea Boii: lol

2toned: dont lol at me

2toned: it really upsets me

Sea Boii: lolololololololol

2toned: fuck off

Sea Boii: just buy a new one

2toned: unlike you some of us cant afford to throw money left and right

Sea Boii: how expensive can it be?

Sea Boii: if you really want a drink then…why not slurge?

2toned: youre right

2toned: youre right

2toned: i think ill just buy a whole goddamn case and poison my liver even more

Sea Boii: thats a little dramatic

Sea Boii: but i guess i can’t stop you

2toned: damn right you cant

2toned: look at me double-fisting these cans of lovely nectar

Sea Boii: i doubt you went to the store that fast

2toned: yea im still in my room but you can imagine me miming it cant you

Sea Boii: i really dont want to do that

2toned: aw why not

2toned: look at me spilling it all over myself

2toned: and glugging

2toned: and breathing like a ravenous pug

2toned: are you turned on yet??

Sea Boii: gawd

Sea Boii: yer right

Sea Boii: thats so incredibly sexy

2toned: you know it

Sea Boii: lol

2toned: lol

Eridan and 2toned texted for hours until the former fell asleep. As far as he knew, Sollux would be locked up in his room until the early morning, gaming.

Unfortunately, Eridan’s assumptions were incorrect; as Sollux did not, in fact, stay in his room until the early morning. He ventured out about two hours after Eridan fell back to sleep, full up on petty glares and passive aggressive huffs.

Eridan sat up, done with Sollux and him slamming his dishes around with pointed looks at him.

“W-what the fuck is your problem?”

“Oh, nothing,” he plopped a pan onto the stove with a loud clank. A little water sloshed out. He ignited the flame with his eyebrows high up on his brow. Eridan knew this detached look: Sollux was in his ‘ _I’m pissed at every trivial thing that happens to me but I won’t talk about it in a civil manner_ ’ mood.

The boy on the couch watched until Sollux leaned against the counter and looked back at Eridan with a blank look. The brunette ran his fingers through his hair and gathered his things, planning to move back into his room.

Eridan was never in the mood to deal with his roommate if that wasn’t already very apparent. He sighed as he passed Sollux. He had Ramon packets in between his long, bony fingers. Sollux mimicked his sigh with childish mockery.

When the tired Ampora finally slid into his bed, he fell straight to sleep, his mind ignoring any and every sound that obnoxious fucker made.


	2. Two Dense Idiots Pt. 2

**Two Weeks Later**

 

“What the fucking hell happened in here!”

“I tried to dye my hair!”

“Oh ith that what it ith? I thought you murdered an umpa lumpa!”

“Fuck off, I’m trying to clean it up before it stains! Can you get me another towel? Hurry!”

“Jethuth,” Sollux scoffed, jogging to the towel cabinet and grabbing one at random. Eridan took it with a quick sigh and turned to clean up the mess. Sollux caught sight of purple-staining on Eridan’s hairline.

“Fuck,” the shorter one hissed.

“You really thuck at dying your hair dude. What happened?”

“I...might have knocked the pan over with the brush in it.”

“Ath long ath you’re going to pay for the damage. The landlord won’t like thith.”

“Fuck off Sollux! I’m trying my best!”

The properly-dyed blonde raised his hands in half-surrender. He kicked himself around and marched right back into his room. That’ll be the last time he investigated a suspicious loud noise while Eridan was in the house.

2toned: hey 

Sea Boii: hey 

2toned: you ever just lay on your bed and listen two angsty music?? 

Sea Boii: uh no? 

Sea Boii: why? 

2toned: idk i highly recommend it though 

2toned: gives you some perspective 

Sea Boii: what kind of music do you listen to? 

2toned: right now im listening two g eazy 

Sea Boii: im not really into rap 

Sea Boii: wait how is that angsty? 

2toned: hes got some gude shit 

2toned: some gude angsty and relatable shit 

Sea Boii: like what? 

2toned: fly away 

2toned: i dont usually listen two rap either 

2toned: but g eazy is my baby 

Sea Boii: g eazy is your baby? 

Sea Boii: really? 

Sea Boii: highly doubt that 

2toned: will you listen with me?? 

Sea Boii: to fly away? 

2toned: yea 

Sea Boii: okay gimmie a sec 

2toned: np 

Sea Boii: huh 

Sea Boii: thats actually not half bad 

Sea Boii: what other artists do you listen to? 

2toned: have you ever heard of the score?? 

Sea Boii: nope 

2toned: listen two dreamin 

2toned: its like my anthem 

Sea Boii: how many times do you say that? 

2toned: quite a lot 

Sea Boii: lol 

2toned: what kinda shit do you listen two?? 

Sea Boii: literally anything except eighties pop 

2toned: well thats specific 

Sea Boii: yea yea it is 

2toned: fav song?? 

Sea Boii: right now it would be kane brown lose it 

2toned: ew thats country 

Sea Boii: just give it fucking try before you judge ok 

2toned: youre going two poison my mind with country?? 

2toned: gasp 

2toned: youre not a hic are you?? 

Sea Boii: omg 

Sea Boii: i literally grew up in california 

2toned: really?? 

2toned: huh 

2toned: so yer a fuck boii 

Sea Boii: no definitely not 

\-- 2toned changed Sea Boii to fucc boii --

fucc boii: you fucking asshole 

2toned: look i know its hard two resist with you being a fucc boii and everything but lets refrain from talking about peoples assholes 

\-- fucc boii changed 2toned to Two Left Feet --

\--Two Left Feet changed fucc boii to squanderfucktard --

squanderfucktard: what the fuck? 

\-- squanderfucktard changed Two Left Feet to The Squid That Ate My Mom --

The Squid That Ate My Mom: when we meet you better fucking call me that 

squanderfucktard: you bet your ass I’m gunna 

The Squid That Ate My Mom: it would be better if you screamed it in a crowded place with lots of children and police 

squanderfucktard: yea right 

\-- squanderfucktard changed squanderfucktard to Mr. Sassy --

The Squid That Ate My Mom: well thats gunna look suspicious when that pops up on my lockscreen 

\-- Mr. Sassy changed The Squid That Ate My Mom to 2 --

2: ok are we done now?? 

Mr. Sassy: yea 

2: ok 

2: so whats yer fav color?? 

Mr. Sassy: were gunna play this game now? 

Mr. Sassy: deep blue 

Mr. Sassy: like the ocean 

2: fitting for a fucc boii from cali 

Mr. Sassy: where are you from then? 

2: massachusetts 

Mr. Sassy: east coast boii 

2: born and raised son 

Mr. Sassy: dont call me son 

2: yeah thats not my kink either 

Mr. Sassy: what the fuck are we talking about? 

Mr. Sassy: favorite colors or kinks? 

2: whatever you want two 

Mr. Sassy: well i can see youre a sub 

2: what?? 

2: i mean maybe 

2: idrk 

Mr. Sassy: what do you mean you dont know? 

2: kinks just havent come up in my past relationships 

Mr. Sassy: gasp 

Mr. Sassy: are you… 

Mr. Sassy: a virgin? 

2: god no 

Mr. Sassy: oh man oh jeez 

Mr. Sassy: thank god i thought id have to give the talk 

2: i had the talk when i was ten chill 

Mr. Sassy: i still havent had the talk 

Mr. Sassy: i just kinda figured it out 

Mr. Sassy: plus my dad was always working 

2: hm 

2: well at least your grandma didnt find you masturbating in your closet 

Mr. Sassy: wtf? 

2: dont ask 

2: im super tired 

2: had two work double shifts 

2: thats like the only time i dont appreciate duality 

Mr. Sassy: ok well sleep well 

2: ye 

2: goodnight mr sassy 

Mr. Sassy: goodnight 2 


	3. Two Dense Idiots Pt. 3

**The Next Night**

 

Mr. Sassy: hey

2: sup

Mr. Sassy: what do you look like?

2: i thought we werent supposed two disclose personal information huh??

Mr. Sassy: im just wonderin

Mr. Sassy: you dont have to answer

2: well im tall

2: and gangly

2: im kind of self conscious of my knobby knees

2: and my chest hair is pretty fucking weird too

2: but who knows maybe im actually really short and have a unibrow

Mr. Sassy: what does your hair look like?

2: bitch if you think im going two give you any of the information on my drivers license then youre crazy

2: birthday name hair color eye color whether im a heart donor or not

2: none of that shit is getting sent over this places shitty server

2: sorry but i like my identity

Mr. Sassy: well look whos paranoid

2: yea sure

2: call me paranoid

2: but while youre fighting the irs because someone stole your credit card information ill be happily sitting on my ass being exactly who my birth certificate says i am

Mr. Sassy: any other ambiguous information you could disclose then?

Mr. Sassy: you fuckin weirdo

2: why do you want two know??

Mr. Sassy: my gawd

Mr. Sassy: nevermind i was just curious

Mr. Sassy: it would be nice to put a face to the words yknow?

2: sigh

2: yea

2: what do you look like

2: without giving away two much

Mr. Sassy: i have a dimpled chin

Mr. Sassy: people always compliment me on my “rich kid” face

Mr. Sassy: my ribcage isnt completely symmetrical

Mr. Sassy: one side pops out awkwardly

Mr. Sassy: i dont have a pinky toenail because i once stubbed it against the side of a pool

2: ouch

Mr. Sassy: im of italian descent

2: whoa thats too much

2: i could probably find you with that kind of info

Mr. Sassy: yeah right

2: ill just look for a lopsided black-haired dude with green eyes and a shitty pretentious face

Mr. Sassy: fuck you lol

Mr. Sassy: and i have neither black hair nor green eyes

2: la la la im not listening

2: stop making it easy two hack you

2: youre just asking me two steal your identity at this point

Mr. Sassy: what are you so worried about anyways?

2: duh

2: spies??

2: thieves??

2: people out two get other peoples fortunes and hard work??

Mr. Sassy: can you tell me one thing?

2: what??

Mr. Sassy: what color are your eyes?

2: why??

Mr. Sassy: because

Mr. Sassy: i just

Mr. Sassy: i want to imagine them looking down at a screen

2: god youre a fucking sap

2: idk mr sassy

2: they could be blue or brown

2: maybe both

2: ynever know

2: i may have heterochromia for all you know

Mr. Sassy: heterochromia?

2: yeah its when someone has two different colored eyes

Mr. Sassy: yeah right what are the chances?

2: oh .66% or so

2: i think

Mr. Sassy: so you have one blue eye and one brown eye?

2: hey i never said that

2: i said for all you know

2: i could have normal brown eyes

Mr. Sassy: yeah but you seem to know a lot about heterochromia for someone who doesn’t have it

2: for all you know

Mr. Sassy: jesus

2: what color eyes do you have??

Mr. Sassy: ever heard of percy jackson?

2: bright blue??

Mr. Sassy: fuck no

Mr. Sassy: in the books he has sea green eyes

Mr. Sassy: they were my favorite in middle school

2: his eyes or the books??

Mr. Sassy: both

2: hm

2: nice two know

2: i had a crush on spock once

Mr. Sassy: whos that?

2: no

2: this cannot be

2: youve

2: never

2: seen

2: star

2: trek??

Mr. Sassy: uh no not really

Mr. Sassy: not a full movie

Mr. Sassy: is he the emotionally constipated one?

2: yes

2: and hes amazing

2: i cannot believe this

2: we will have two have a marathon

Mr. Sassy: when?

2: when we meet

Mr. Sassy: how do you know im not some kind of child predator?

2: first of all

2: im not a child

2: second of all

2: we are definitely meeting in a very crowded place

Mr. Sassy: like a bar?

2: of course not

2: most murders happen when people meet at bars

Mr. Sassy: you just pulled that out of your ass

2: yeah??

2: and??

Mr. Sassy: so where would you like to meet?

2: whoa whoa

2: im not setting a date here

2: but if we were two meet i would probably go for a coffee shop

2: where there are a lot of eyes and any comotion would draw those eyes

2: so if i were two go missing then someone would see your face

Mr. Sassy: youve really thought this through

2: damn straight

2: im not dying today fucker

Mr. Sassy: how do i know YOU arent some kind of child predator?

2: first of all

2: youre not a child

2: that i know of

2: second of all

2: you dont know

2: not for sure at least

Mr. Sassy: i have a feeling you arent

2: did you just assume my occupation??

Mr. Sassy: yer a piece of shit

2: haha

2: fuck

Mr. Sassy: could i know your name?

2: my name is 2

2: can’t you read??

Mr. Sassy: fine fine

Mr. Sassy: well im going to go to bed 2

Mr. Sassy: im fuckin tired

2: k

2: close your stupid sea green eyes and rest

2: ill be over here looking up italian boys from beaumont

Mr. Sassy: better be careful

Mr. Sassy: you might uncover my ginormous drug-smuggling ring

2: first of all

2: drug lords dont say the word ginormous

2: and two

2: it would just be more blackmail material

Mr. Sassy: more?

2: goodnight mr sassy

Mr. Sassy: jesus yer ridiculous

Mr. Sassy: goodnight 2


End file.
